ugly people sure do ruin things
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
