Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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