so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
