I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
