look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
