Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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