He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
