I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
