Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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