ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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