You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
jump out the window naked night went bad
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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