She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
drinking out of a sandbucket again
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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