In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
