He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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