i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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