Betty ford says i'm here all night
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think your dad took our porno
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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