It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
