Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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