Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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