it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
