I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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