you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
