you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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