Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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