dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
