I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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