im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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