I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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