sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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