you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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