we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Such a big mess for such a small penis
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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