im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
