i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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