She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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