So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
