Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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