just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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