so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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