I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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