No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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