I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
