I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
