he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
