when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
