dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
