guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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