Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
