I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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