i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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