I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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