Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
