Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
