we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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