You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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