My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize