I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just had sex on a roof
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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