I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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