Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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