So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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