You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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