I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
