Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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