When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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